Translating Cat Breeder Gobbledygook

Consider the paragraph below. It's been chanted so often by cat breeders that it's lost any meaning it ever had. It's aim is to convey the impression that the breeder is a wonderful caring person who puts their animals first and foremost, and is the very epitome of uprightness and respectibility.

"I'm a very discriminating breeder, and I don't breed much every year - I don't often have kittens so you're advised to make a reservation. We are registered with the CFA/TICA/SACC/ACF etc. and show our cats. We're an underfoot cattery and we love our cats dearly blah blah yap yap yappity yap."
(The above is written in the Martian language - the language of extra terrestrials.)

Here's the translation into the English language :

"I am an animal abuser and hoarder of the worst kind. I don't give a tinker's cuss for my animals but breed them for money and the fame it brings me in the show ring, and because I like to have my ego diddled on a regular basis. I keep my cats in little stacked cages so it saves space. I will do this until I die, because it's soooo nice"

I can hear the howls of dismay by the cat breeding fraternity, but the facts speak for themselves :

1. The overriding majority of breeders do not know the meaning of the word "moderation" when it comes to keeping cats
2. Showing cats entices the ego, and the quest for wins drives collection-addiction
3. Cat breeding is a jolly little way of making some extra undeclared income which helps pay the monthly bills- or a great way to earn a living when you are unemployed (or unemployable, which is more to the point).
4. Cat showing is a bunch of subjective bollocks, where the faithful are rewarded with titles and ribbons, and in exchange they attain boasting rights which makes selling expensive cats easier
5. The great majority of cat breeders fuel the overpopulation of cats by not sterilising before rehoming. It's cheaper that way - keeps the margins fat.

Here's Laura Duffy's version of Martian :

"I started breeding Siamese in 1973. I started with chocolate and seal point Siamese. The name "Raksha" comes from a Roger Zelazney novel featuring a modified Hindu pantheon/mythology. In this book a Raksha was a small mischeivious shape changing demon .....sound familiar? Yes, I thought so too. Originally registered with CFA and ACFA , I quickly switched to TICA when it became a reality and have not looked at the other associations since. Over the years I have bred red points and tortie points. I branched out into Oriental Shorthairs thanks to my good friend , Lindajean Grillo. I finally moved onto Balinese and Oriental Longhairs as well. I like all show people have been tempted by other breeds and have had Abyssinians, Himalayans. Birmans, American Curls,Japanese Bobtails and a Maine Coon. While these are all beautiful cats, I have learned that they don't have the personality that attacts me to Siamese. Although I will say that my Birman Janipur'sWWW.Clarice.com was such a darling that I and the Siamese wouldn't mind another of these lounging around the house.When I say Siamese I refer to the entire breed Siamese group (Siamese,Balinese,Oriental Shorthairs and Longhairs). No matter what colors I have worked with , I have made health and personality my priority.Over the years I have refined my goals to producing beautiful, healthy cats in my three favorite colors  Seal (black),Chocolate and Cinnamon. I am trying for both pointed and solids(Oriental Shorthairs) in shorthair as well as longhair. Someday I'll have a litter where I get everything I've worked for in one pile of glorious kittens.

I have very few litters a year so if you are looking for a specific color, a reservation is recommended. I have not yet eliminated blue from my lines so occasional blue and lilac kittens are available. Kittens for breeding or exhibition are rarely available but inquiries are welcome. I am located in Northern California and the best way to reach me is via email."

Here's the translation :

"Cat Breeder Sentenced for Animal Abuse
Published 4:00 a.m., Thursday, September 7, 1995

A 37-year-old La Honda woman who breeds purebred Oriental short-hair cats was sentenced to 30 days in jail yesterday on animal cruelty charges.

Laura Duffy also was sentenced to two years supervised probation, one year court probation and was ordered to pay restitution of $3,600, said Irene Holmes, a San Mateo County deputy district attorney. In addition, Duffy was ordered to receive counseling and treatment.

Acting on an anonymous tip in April, Humane Society officials went to Duffy's La Honda home where they discovered 30 cats, two dogs, two horses and seven goats living in squalor, Fox said.

The horses were in poor condition and were at least 300 pounds underweight. Numerous cats were confined to dirty metal cages. Some of the animals were suffering from upper respiratory infections, dehydration and hypothermia.

All of the cats were purebreds, many of them sent to Duffy by their owners for breeding. The cats have since been reunited with their owners, said Stacy Fox, a spokesman for the Humane Society.

On August 7, Duffy pleaded no contest to one count of animal cruelty, one count of permitting an animal to go without care, and one count of violating the San Mateo County pet overpopulation ordinance.

She was sentenced yesterday by Municipal Judge Carl Holm. He also ruled that during Duffy's probation, she is forbidden to possess or care for any animals."

Do you see how easy it is to translate Martian catbabble once you get the hang of it? (And it's not an isolated instance - the CFA have a section devoted to keeping them out of the limelight when (another) one of their registered breeders fall out of the tree. They wouldn't need this, if registered breeders were genuinely nice kindly people, would they?)

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